I have loved, love now, and will always love holidays. They are a time of joy and happiness, regardless of the stress they may cause. They are a time of family and love. I adore holiday seasons. However, the holidays are always hard for me with the depression. I don't think that there's anything in particular about holidays that sets me off, but there's always enough little things to overwhelm me. Always too much happening at once, too much sound, too much movement, too many people, too many things to think about. Regardless of this, I still love holidays.
My family hosts Thanksgiving every year. My mom's side of the family all come together, carrying food and stories and love. My mom is one of eight children, and I am one of almost 20 grandchildren. For years we have all gotten together at my house to share our thankfulness, watch the Lions, and stuff ourselves full of food. In the past few years, however, we've seemed to have less people come for thanksgiving. Most of my cousins are older than me, so many have moved away and have their own jobs and lives. I have a few aunts/uncles who live out of state and everyone else just has their own business to deal with. So, for whatever reason, we only had fifteen people at my house yesterday. And, trust me, fifteen is nothing, especially when my immediate family is five people alone. It seems as though everyone was just otherwise engaged this Thanksgiving.
Thanksgiving came and went. Aunt PC asked if my brother, sister, and I had seen Santa come in the parade just like every year. Aunt SB and her two kids were late, as expected. The Lions lost - no surprise there. The younger girls all hid themselves away in the basement and sang and danced as usual. My cousin PA and I talked and he gave me advice, as he always does. But however "normal" this Thanksgiving was, there were so many things different. My house was so empty. The table wasn't long enough, there weren't enough voices. When we went around the table to say what we were thankful for, the boys just talked about wanting to watch the game; nobody gave the long speeches that we're all used to hearing about friends, love, and family. Nobody called Ireland to talk to our relatives. The apple pie didn't have my Nana's message carved into the top. The whole atmosphere was different.
And, just because it was a holiday, my depression welled up inside of me and threatened to take over once again. I mingled as best I could. I stayed with the relatives before dinner, helping out in every way I could. I talked with my cousin PA who I'm comfortable with, I carried things out to the dinner table, I got people drinks. Everything normal, nothing out of the ordinary. Dinner came, and suddenly I needed air. Too many people, too many voices, too many people wanting to talk to me. Trying to stay close to my mom, trying to stay with people but eventually failing when the conversations around me turned to things that didn't concern me. I'd leave, rally in the silence of a different room, then come back. Sit with my family, smile and nod, and eventually just feel too much turmoil inside of myself to continue. After a time I just removed myself from the situation. Watched football for a few minutes in the room where nobody talked and everyone glued their eyes to the television, washed all the dishes and loaded them into the dishwasher, wandered, wandered, never staying anywhere too long, unloaded the dishwasher, and at last found refuge on the computer. The family slowly trickled out earlier that they should have, leaving me alone for the evening.
Today my mom talked to me about it. She noticed that I hung around until PA left and then started to distance myself. She wishes that I'd stayed around the family more. I know that I've disappointed her. I know that, lately, she's viewed me as not trying as hard as I should in anything, and I know that this Thanksgiving was no exception. I should have tried harder to mingle, I should have tried harder to socialize. I should have stayed around the family more.
I should try harder in school, at home. I should be a better daughter, a better student, a better friend. I know that I've disappointed those around me. I just don't know how to make myself better. This depression makes everything so hard. I want to be better. I do. But how do I fix everything inside of me when I feel so hopelessly broken?
Maybe you need to try harder at some of these things, perhaps, I don't know. But I do think you need to be a little easier on yourself, too. As much as I love the holiday season, I absolutely hate the actual holidays like Thanksgiving and Christmas when all the family gets together, and I feel like a complete outsider most of the time, pretty much always alone. Lots of other people feel down during the holidays, too, maybe because they expect too much. But even with your depression, I get the impression you try very hard, as much as you can, and probably more than most other people would. I don't know if it helps much to give yourself a pat on the back for how much you *do* try, but every little bit helps I suppose. So I think you do pretty well considering the storms you face are worse than what most people experience. If you slip now and then, please don't beat yourself up so much. And I'm sure you don't "disappoint" people so much as they just want you to be happy, and are sad that often you aren't, and are trying their best to be helpful. Also, I'm thinking there's a lot of room between fixing "everything" and being "hopelessly broken." Just moving in the right direction is a big accomplishment. Keep doing the best you can, which IMO is more than most of us would be able to do in your shoes. And that's sufficient for a smile now and then. Please be a cheerleader for and supporter of *yourself*, not just others. You are so good at that. (And BTW, for what it's worth, or not, I'm still always impressed at what a fantastic writer you are, too :) Anyway, sorry your Thanksgiving wasn't as nice as past ones, but I really enjoyed reading about it; it really drew me in, as always. Take care.
ReplyDelete