Common App

Today the only writing I had time to do today was writing my Common App essay. I figured I'd post it so I can get some feedback (any comments and suggestions are greatly appreciated). It does it's own bit of knot untying, so I'm hoping that it still fits in with my project. Thanks for reading.

Carpet. Stained, crumb-filled, repulsive school carpet. And I had my face on it. Curled into the fetal position – except sideways – cheek rubbing against the rough material. I’ve found myself in this position many times. Warm tears staining my face, my mind rejects everything good. I feel worthless, hopeless. Nothing, nobody can save me. I spend increasing amounts of time shut up in the administrator’s offices – always crying and lying on the floor, always breaking down. Unable to breathe, to think – scared that I’ll never feel this “happiness.” Noticing how each day becomes darker as I am swallowed into this void: depression.

They say that one can’t understand something until they experience it themselves. I’ve found this true with depression. Nobody can realize everything it entails until they are forced into the anguish of it all. Nothing could have prepared me for the constant bombardment of self-hate, the inability to sleep or eat or learn, the overwhelming physical and emotional pains. Every day was a new fight: a new battle in the war for my life. But through all of this hurt there was a light. I couldn’t see where it was coming from, but I reached for it with all my remaining strength. Boy, did I reach. I climbed, doing my best to force every step in the right direction. Therapy, medication, positive thinking – I did everything I could to pull myself out.

Nowadays, I’m nowhere near where as low as I used to be. I’m generally a much happier person with a more positive outlook. It’s hard to believe that someone can gain so many positive things from such a negative experience, but I have. I’ve learned how strong I am. I see now that I can do even the impossible. I’ve found a support system of beautiful people who pick me up when I crash to the ground. I’ve learned more about what is important to me by looking at what pulled me through on the scariest days. I am much better than many of my peers at looking at the good side of things. I’m not saying I’m perfect – in fact, I’m far from it. My depression is still here, it hasn’t disappeared. It still haunts me in ways nothing other than depression could. But now I know that I am a fighter, and that I can battle against any pain in my life. Believe it or not, even laying on disgusting school carpet can teach life lessons.

World Connections

The internet allows people all around the world to connect with each other. As a frequent user of the internet, I connect with people around the world daily. The first day I set this blog up, somebody from Germany viewed it. I have a twitter account, and talk to people from England and Brazil and other countries every day. Facebook allows me to interact with my family in Ireland and my friends in Germany and Japan. The world is more connected now than it ever has been in the past.
Sometimes things like that just hit me all of a sudden. They make me look at the world and how technologically advanced we are. They make me wonder whether our advancement is a good thing. The argument can go either way. Things were both simpler and harder in the past (what a general statement - I know). People cared so much more about hospitality and neighborliness, but didn't have the medical skills needed to save lives. They had many more personal, physical interactions but important information couldn't travel as quickly as it needed to. Nowadays, we rely so much on our technology. We constantly have our eyes on screens and our heads elsewhere. Technology seems to be moving faster than people's intelligence. We have the resources to do so many things, but people as a whole don't have the brainpower to apply what we have to the world. Technology would be so much better if people used it a little more sparingly. How many times are you talking to someone, just to have them start texting someone else? Technological interactions can make things so impersonal, causing people to feel neglected and unloved. However, they can be so useful at the same time. Connecting with people around the world is a wonderful feeling. It's great to know that people in England, Cambodia, and Switzerland feel the same as you.
So is technology good or bad? It's both. It's neither. Just like everything, it has it's perks and in cons. Every person needs to look at how they use their technology and analyze how they can make their lives better by altering their uses. Personally, I use my technology much better than I did in the past. I go on the internet less, text less, watch television less - while still using all of it when I need it. Yes, I need to make some changes, but overall, I'm doing a good job. I certainly with this could be said about more people.

Help!

For some reason, I can't post comments on people's stuff! And I don't know why! When I post a comment, it sends me to a page that says, "Your current account does not have access to view this page." I looked up the problem, and apparently it has something to do with my browser not allowing cookies...? Anyone know how to fix this? Thanks.

The Question

To write or not to write: that is the question.

Have you ever noticed that on your busiest days, you seem to get the most work? On days where I have nothing going on after school I get such small amounts of homework. On days where I have practices and rehearsals and appointments I always get loaded. Such was the case today.

The knot I spent the whole day trying to figure out seemed simple enough: to write for my Daffodil Project or to take the day off. It's late, I have to take my sleeping medication on time, so I have to be in bed before the med kicks in. With my pracitces and appointments and piles of homework, I honestly was unsure of whether or not I'd be able to take the medication necessary for me to sleep. So I puzzled and puzzled about whether or not to write this blog post that, obviously, I am writing write now. What swayed me? I untangled the knot. Right now, I need to be writing. Need. There is nothing that will fulfill me more than a good long write out. It doesn't matter what the writing is about. When I write, I'm refreshed. I'm powerful and in control in a way that I can't be in other aspects of my life. Writing allows me to purge what needs to be purged - to let into the world that which I cannot hold inside any longer. So even though today was busy and stressful, I still managed to find some time to write. Some time to get my thoughts out somewhere tangible and real. Even though I'm falling asleep as I write this because my medicaion is kicking in, I realized what was important in my life. And that is writing. I'll need to keep this in mind whenever I'm going through stressful times. It can be hard to convince myself to write when I need it most. But now that I have really solidified the importance writing has on my life, I can move ahead knowing more about myself.

First Attempt

We're about to dive into this project, even though it's late and I'm tired and I don't know what I'm going to say.
And yes, I did mean to say "we." Because if you're here, reading this, then you had better believe that you are right by my side experiencing this with me. Ready for the ride? I hope so.

Knots

Twisting and turning in

on themselves.

Tangled and tied in

strange ways.

Knots have a way

of frustrating,

a way of complicating themselves

until we throw in

the towel.

Give up.

Grab a pair of scissors,

cut the knot

in half.

Problem solved.

But is it really solved

if you cheat

your way out of it?

Ignore the truth?

The knot is meant

to be

unravelled.

Patiently.

Carefully.

Almost lovingly,

if you care to look

at it in that way.

Our questions don't

answer themselves.

We leave so many

questions

unanswered.

Floating around inside

our heads,

knocking our brains.

Answer me.

We so often leave things lost

as they wave and shout

in the distance.

Find me.

The knot remains tangled.

Lost forever until

you see the courage

inside.

Because you have

the power.

The power

to unravel the knot.

Nimble fingers

fumble,

posing friction against

the knot until

it gives.

Your fingers.

My fingers.

Our fingers.

Unravelling the knots

of our endless

questions.

Confusions.

Frustrations.

Until the knot loosens,

comes apart,

ceases to exist.

The string

in our hands is

strait now.

No disruptions.

Question answered.

Problem truly solved.

So take your tangles and

work until the knots

cease to be

knots at

all.

FYI

I'm about to be stumbling through this blog blind. I'm prepared to go through this experience without a flashlight. I don't know what I'll be writing about, I don't know what's going to come out. All I know is that I'll be here, unravelling knots as much as I can. Bear with me. We can stumble together.

Writing out the Knots

9:35 on a Wednesday night, sitting in front of the computer screen, contemplating the Daffodil Project. My personal Daffodil Project will consist of me untangling knots through writing. Quite the abstract concept, but also very much grounded in reality. I don't know exactly what this entails, but it seems as though it gives me enough closed space to be structured while still giving myself the open space to be free. I'll start this out by picking out a concept that I want to help myself figure out. It can be anything. Heck, it could be nothing. I'm going to spend time writing out on that concept. The hope is that by the time I'm finished writing, I've discovered something about either the concept, myself, the world, etc. I don't really know what's going to come out here in this blog, but it's open for you to read and comment. Feel free to tell me your opinions on my topics and such. We'll see where this project leads me.

Blogging...

is not for the faint of heart.