Thanksgiving

I have loved, love now, and will always love holidays. They are a time of joy and happiness, regardless of the stress they may cause. They are a time of family and love. I adore holiday seasons. However, the holidays are always hard for me with the depression. I don't think that there's anything in particular about holidays that sets me off, but there's always enough little things to overwhelm me. Always too much happening at once, too much sound, too much movement, too many people, too many things to think about. Regardless of this, I still love holidays.
My family hosts Thanksgiving every year. My mom's side of the family all come together, carrying food and stories and love. My mom is one of eight children, and I am one of almost 20 grandchildren. For years we have all gotten together at my house to share our thankfulness, watch the Lions, and stuff ourselves full of food. In the past few years, however, we've seemed to have less people come for thanksgiving. Most of my cousins are older than me, so many have moved away and have their own jobs and lives. I have a few aunts/uncles who live out of state and everyone else just has their own business to deal with. So, for whatever reason, we only had fifteen people at my house yesterday. And, trust me, fifteen is nothing, especially when my immediate family is five people alone. It seems as though everyone was just otherwise engaged this Thanksgiving.
Thanksgiving came and went. Aunt PC asked if my brother, sister, and I had seen Santa come in the parade just like every year. Aunt SB and her two kids were late, as expected. The Lions lost - no surprise there. The younger girls all hid themselves away in the basement and sang and danced as usual. My cousin PA and I talked and he gave me advice, as he always does. But however "normal" this Thanksgiving was, there were so many things different. My house was so empty. The table wasn't long enough, there weren't enough voices. When we went around the table to say what we were thankful for, the boys just talked about wanting to watch the game; nobody gave the long speeches that we're all used to hearing about friends, love, and family. Nobody called Ireland to talk to our relatives. The apple pie didn't have my Nana's message carved into the top. The whole atmosphere was different.
And, just because it was a holiday, my depression welled up inside of me and threatened to take over once again. I mingled as best I could. I stayed with the relatives before dinner, helping out in every way I could. I talked with my cousin PA who I'm comfortable with, I carried things out to the dinner table, I got people drinks. Everything normal, nothing out of the ordinary. Dinner came, and suddenly I needed air. Too many people, too many voices, too many people wanting to talk to me. Trying to stay close to my mom, trying to stay with people but eventually failing when the conversations around me turned to things that didn't concern me. I'd leave, rally in the silence of a different room, then come back. Sit with my family, smile and nod, and eventually just feel too much turmoil inside of myself to continue. After a time I just removed myself from the situation. Watched football for a few minutes in the room where nobody talked and everyone glued their eyes to the television, washed all the dishes and loaded them into the dishwasher, wandered, wandered, never staying anywhere too long, unloaded the dishwasher, and at last found refuge on the computer. The family slowly trickled out earlier that they should have, leaving me alone for the evening.
Today my mom talked to me about it. She noticed that I hung around until PA left and then started to distance myself. She wishes that I'd stayed around the family more. I know that I've disappointed her. I know that, lately, she's viewed me as not trying as hard as I should in anything, and I know that this Thanksgiving was no exception. I should have tried harder to mingle, I should have tried harder to socialize. I should have stayed around the family more.
I should try harder in school, at home. I should be a better daughter, a better student, a better friend. I know that I've disappointed those around me. I just don't know how to make myself better. This depression makes everything so hard. I want to be better. I do. But how do I fix everything inside of me when I feel so hopelessly broken?

too much to do + cross country

Today the class started presenting their projects. I thought about going today, but I decided that I wanted a day to process everything about this project for myself before I tried to describe my experience to my classmates. Let's just say that I decided that the point of this project has been made. I wanted to get myself to turn to writing to help solve my problems. Today my mom handed me a thank you card to write out for my coach. I sat for a few minutes and, realizing that I had no idea of what to say, immediately ran over to the computer and pulled up my blog. It's now a habit for me to write when I need to untangle my thoughts. That's what I wanted in the first place, and that's the habit I've formed. But now I've got to stop thinking about Daffodil and start thinking about tomorrow. Tomorrow is my cross country banquet. I have to write a thank you letter to my coach and write out a speech to give to my girls. And write it out on notecards, because one of the girls wanted me to write it out on notecards, and if that's what will make her and the rest of the team smile then that's what I'll do. Heck, I'll even practice it in my room. But first the daunting task is to write it. But before I get lost in that I have to do the coach's thank you card. And I have to write my Daffodil project response and turn it in online. And I have calculus bookwork. And I have to have Siddhartha read by Friday. And that's not even the half of it. Sigh. See why my brain is frazzled? Anyway. Coach. Here we go.


Dear B -
Every year us girls This has been such a great year. The girls don't Every year of cross country has its trials. As a team, there is no way that we could get through these troubles without you. I know that you may not feel our appreciation throughout the season, but we finally have this chance to show you how much you mean to us. This year may not have been the easiest, but it was the year that you showed us your strength the most. You're an amazing coach, B. We owe so much to you. You're a great role model in our lives and we are so glad that we have you to lead us. You teach us so much - not only about running, but about life. Thank you for everything that you've done for us.
Love, [insert girl's names here]


Okay. There we go. Once I get started, it works. Sometimes it's just getting those first words out in a way that feels good that troubles me.


Okay, now I have to write my speech. I know that technically I don't have to write anything out beforehand (nobody in any of my years of cc or track has pre-written anything), however I wouldn't feel right if I didn't. After all, I have so much to say to my team and I don't want to forget any of it.
But I have so much to do. So I don't really have time to think about this right now. Agh. And did you know that there are only nine days until Thanksgiving? And that my family is hosting? And that I have to help get the house clean, too? Goodness gracious my mind truly is everywhere.
Focus. Cross country. Banquet. What to say to the team. Uhm. Here we go with the starting thing again. I'm not as good at this part...
Okay. I just did my Daffodil project response. Now I think that I can maybe write a little bit. Maybe. Uhm. Uhmm. Uhmmm.
Maybe I'll just outline some points I want to make.

•  

That was a great first point. *facepalm*

• I have a lot of things to say to you. I'm not going to be able to say them all tonight because if I did, we'd be here all night. And all day tomorrow. And all day the day after that. I'd probably never shut up. So yeah, I can't say everything here. Know that I forever have more to say to you.
• Mom says to tell you that I love you and I'll do anything for you except lie, cheat, or steal. Anything. Except maybe prostitution. Yeah, I can't see myself doing that for you guys either.
• Don't drink and drive. Don't do drugs. Don't get pregnant until you're married (RH...).

Ahh, I'm not getting anywhere. Time to look up cheesy team oriented quotes? I think so...

I am a member of a team, and I rely on the team, I defer to it and sacrifice for it, because the team, not the individual, is the ultimate champion. - Mia Hamm

Well that was the only good one I found on that one site I was on. There are too many "team" quotes that are about particular teams and such. Irritating.

 I can't make that writing black. Ugh that's annoying.

• B is an amazing coach. He really knows what he's talking about. Listen to him. I'm serious.
• You all have done so much for me throughout the years. I really appreciate everything you guys have done. You've helped me through the toughest parts of my life. You guys give me infinite strength and joy.
• I will always be here for you guys. Remember that I'm always a text, a facebook message, and email, a phone call away. If you ever need help or advice or just need someone to talk to, I'm here. I'll laugh with you, I'll cry with you. I will always be here for you guys.

And once again my brain is fried. How is it that I have so much to say but no words to explain my feelings? Am I just dumb? Am I incapable? There are so many words and feelings in my heads, so many things that I need to say to these girls. Things that I need to get out to them. Why can't I find the words? Ugh. I'm done for now.

Technology

I should write a post. I'm not exactly in the mood to write a post, but I'm going to do it anyway. Please ignore any sarcastic comments that I may or may not make.

Today I spent the day going to a bunch of stores with my mom and sister. We went to a couple dollar stores, Michael's, a baking store, party city... Starbucks... maybe somewhere else? I don't even remember. We were picking things up for the team banquet this Wednesday [freak out moment: OH MY GOSH THE BANQUET IS WEDNESDAY AND I STILL HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I'M GOING TO SAY! ACK! Okay, I'm better now]. Even though it wasn't really how I wanted to spend the day, I had a really nice time with my family. At Michael's we (as usual) picked the slowest line. It's crazy how, no matter how the line looks when we get into it, it's always the slowest line. Hmm. While we were standing in line, one of the workers told us that if we looked up a Michael's coupon on our phones, we could use the coupon in the store. The lady behind us started looking on her phone - which she didn't know how to use very well - and was searching everywhere for the coupon. I pulled out my phone and found it fairly quickly, and then showed her how to use her phone to get to the coupon, too. She was so grateful that someone "very smart with computers and technology" was there to help her out. It got me thinking that this is one of the reasons people should stay close with their older loved ones. Besides the obvious reasons like "they're family" and "we love them" people should look at how they do with technology. In my experience, myself and my parents are always helping both sets of my grandparents with technology. My Nana and Gramps have a facebook account and they are constantly calling and trying to figure out how to send wall posts, messages, and chats to people. My Grandma and Papa have been recently trying to set up a Skype so they can keep contact with my uncle who left for Germany today, and they've been talking to my dad about all the things that they need to fill in and click. Even my mom has trouble with technology. She's getting better at it, but she still occasionally needs help on the computer or on her phone. In the past years we have progressed so much in the world of technology. We start to rely on it heavily, but we forget that those we love and care for don't know how to use it as well as we do. We depend on something that they have so much trouble with. People need to work harder to stay close to those older than them. The technology is blocking these relationships. We need to look at those around us and see how they are affected by the technology we depend on.

Appreciation

Mmm, cheese. The glory of cheese. On my fourth cheese stick in the last half hour. Just saying. But I'll probably stop now because dinner is coming.

My mom is currently on the phone with my uncle's long time girlfriend. I don't like his girlfriend. Her name is.... Gen (I made up that name.. haha). I don't really like Gen, to be frank. She is sick in a million ways and she smokes way too much and she always wants to lay in bed and do nothing. She's very irritating. She's never really been mean spirited, but she never takes care of herself or my uncle. Literally, she's been in and out of the hospital every day for weeks at a time. She's dying and she won't help herself by quitting smoking or doing anything good for herself. My uncle and her are terrible for each other and I wish they would break up so I wouldn't have to deal with her anymore. She and my mom are on the phone, and Gen is complaining to my mom about my grandma (my uncle and dad's mom). Gen is absolutely and unnecessarily slamming my grandmother. It's frustrating me. She has nothing to complain about. There's a lot going on because my uncle apparently has to go out of the country because he finally found a job. My grandma is very worried about him because he doesn't like travelling and she's just doing her best to be the momma she is and give the best advice she can. Gen is complaining about all the ways my grandma is trying to help. It makes me mad. My grandma does her best to take care of my uncle and Gen and she's always giving advice and helping in my uncle's job search and just generally taking care of them and everything else. Gen has no right to be so ungrateful to my grandma after all she has done for them.
Look at how many people don't appreciate the people around them. People receive so much care and love from others and they just ignore it. Every day I try to tell the people around me that I appreciate them. I work hard to try to make those around me see that I am glad that they are in my life. I wish people did this more. Too many people feel under-appreciated. They feel worthless, not cared for. So many people don't see the point of life because they just think that they don't matter to anybody. Let people know that you care for them. Let them know that they are important before they go too far to be saved.

I'm waiting...

I've been a terrible slacker these last few days. I wasn't intentionally putting off my blogging, but it just didn't really cross my mind. I don't exactly remember how many posts that I am supposed to have, but I'm just going to hope that I have around the right number. This project isn't about the grade for me, it's about the impact that it has on my life. It really has helped me to better see that working on something big a little at a time gets things done. I always knew that, but I had never really put it into action in my life. The project came at just the right time, too, because it honestly helped me to get going on my college applications. Overall, it honestly helps me to feel better about myself and what I accomplish in my life.

Today I had the day off from school, which was a beautiful thing. I spent so much of the day waiting. I woke up and waited to get ready to go. I waited in line at the Secretary of State, got some paperwork, and then waited in another line at SOS. I turned in all my paperwork to get my license, then waited for the guy to put all of the information into the computer. I waited for him to hand me my temporary paper license, waited to get my picture taken. I waited in the car for my phone to find a nearby Panera, waited to order at Panera, and waited to get my food. I went to my fellow captain's house to work on paper plate awards. I waited for her to finish spackleing so we could get started and then we both waited for brilliant award ideas to come to us. I came home and waited to read my book, waited for dinner, waited until I had some time to just sit down and enjoy the day. I'm waiting for some secret package that my dad ordered for me. I spent the whole day waiting to be able to drive somewhere by myself and I have a feeling I won't get a chance to do that today. Waiting, waiting, waiting. Funny enough, but all of that waiting can get tiresome.
Even though I spent quite a bit of time waiting today, I did make sure to accomplish things. I woke up, ate, showered. I filled out paperwork, smiled for my picture, got my licence. I ordered and ate Panera, I spackled a wall. I thought of, designed, and decorated paper plate award after endless paper plate award. I read a tiny bit. I teased my sister, I rode my bike to Kroger and bought a bag of fritos. I ate dinner, I'm writing this blog post. And although this list is a lot shorter than my waiting list, it consists of things that took a lot longer than the waiting did. I got things accomplished today, despite my waiting.
People spend a lot of time waiting. They wait in lines at stores, they wait to vote, they wait on their chores. They wait for their problems to be solved and their lives to be bettered. People spend too much time waiting. They go without acting when action is necessary. They ignore the role they have in moving things forward in their lives, the role they have in bettering themselves and the world.
Waiting is necessary to some extent. It's true that we cannot spend our lives without waiting. We shouldn't spend our lives rushing past things so that we don't have to wait. However, we wait too much. People need to look at what their waiting on - to really look - and see if there is anything they can do to move their lives forward. We are here not to be idle, but to go on.

How about them sandwiches.

I keep starting out writing a few sentences and just deleting them. Here, I'll show you some examples:

So, how about them sandwiches.

College applications have been crazy, but I'm finally getting them done.

Cross country. Again.

La da dee da.

My sister is really cute.

I don't know what to write about.

Maybe I should just post a picture and write about it. How do you untangle a picture?

That's not even all of them.

I just don't even know. I need to write about something. It's not as if there's nothing in my life that needs untangling. That's not the case. But my brain is just lost.

What do you do when your brain is lost?

My momma says that I should write about how her hugs make everything better and that her kisses fix all the boo-boos in the world.

I've been thinking about a friend of mine a lot lately. We've known each other for a while and we're very close. I don't know what I'd do without him.

His mom died when he was little. And the saddest thing about it is that nobody at the school really knows. He doesn't hide it or anything, but the topic doesn't come up that often, I guess. People wonder why they never see his mom at events or anything, but they just assume it's busy. Sometimes people that we're both friends with will come up to me and ask me why they've never seen his mom. It's hard to look at them and watch their questioning eyes turn dull as I tell them that his mom died. "Oh." That's the response I always get. "Oh," with that crestfallen face. I can't imagine what it's like for him. He has a wonderful dad, but it can't be easy living life without a mom. I know how many questions about it I get; I have no idea how he deals with the ones he gets. But, honestly, he doesn't get that many. Because nobody at the school knows. Does anybody even care? Isn't it sad to know that the people we spend all of our days with at school can be the people we know the least about? Shouldn't we be more involved in each other's lives?

Sandwiches. Yum.

HAPPY INTERNATIONAL SANDWICH DAY!

Just sayin'.

Mounds Bars.

You know what I like? Mounds bars. I'd never even had a mounds bar until two days ago on Halloween night. But it was goo-ood. That makes me happy.

You know what I don't like? Commitment problems. Those don't make me happy. There's a couple of people that I know who have had some major commitment problems this year. It's frustrating. There are these two girls that I've known since my freshman year. We've always been close friends. They've never been the most reliable people, but it's never been so bad that you had to pay attention to it. This year, though, it's just been a mess. We make plans to hang out and they drop them last minute. They pretty much quit on their sports team - stop going to practices and give the coach "the hand" as he tries to talk with them - just quit caring in general. Their other friends just can't spend any time with them. Apparently, they don't have a moment to spare. They've made plenty of excuses: homework, college applications, too tired... the works. But honestly, it doesn't make what they do any better. Not for all of their friends. I heard about how their respective sports teams crumbled when they stopped showing up and caring. I've seen and felt how it is when they drop out on plans last minute. It hurts, seeing their relationships falling apart. And why? "I don't even care about that game... if I don't get my college apps done I can't go to the college and say, 'sorry I didn't get my app done... but we won the game!'" And the other, "Oh, sorry, I'm doing homework. I have an essay to write." Haven't you had that essay for two weeks? "Yeah, but I haven't started it yet and it's due tomorrow." Okay, I see. So you tell me that you can do something, then I head up somewhere to meet you, call you when you're late, and hear you tell me "oh, I decided not to go." Of course you did. Of course.
Personally, I don't understand how you can do that to someone. I'm on a sports team. I have hard classes. I have college applications to do. But I'm not the one backing out of my team. I'm not the one leaving my friends empty handed. None of my other friends are doing that either. It's just them. And I can't understand it. I love my cross country team so much. Just the thought of being someone high level on the team and then just quitting makes me feel guilty. I could never let myself hurt all of the girls on the team by leaving them like that. The same goes for my friends. When I make plans with my friends, I don't break them unless I absolutely have to. It hurts when you look forward to something and then just can't do it, and I know that. I would never want to hurt my friends in that way. But these couple of girls just don't seem to be bothered by what they're doing. They don't think they're doing anything wrong. And that might be what hurts most of all.
I was hoping that by writing this out I would be able to untangle why they might be doing what they're doing. However, I'm not seeing anything. What I'm seeing is more reasons for me to be disappointed in what these girls have turned themselves into. I hope that one day they see that what they are doing to those around them is hurtful and wrong. Until then, I just need to do my best to let it go.