Thanksgiving

I have loved, love now, and will always love holidays. They are a time of joy and happiness, regardless of the stress they may cause. They are a time of family and love. I adore holiday seasons. However, the holidays are always hard for me with the depression. I don't think that there's anything in particular about holidays that sets me off, but there's always enough little things to overwhelm me. Always too much happening at once, too much sound, too much movement, too many people, too many things to think about. Regardless of this, I still love holidays.
My family hosts Thanksgiving every year. My mom's side of the family all come together, carrying food and stories and love. My mom is one of eight children, and I am one of almost 20 grandchildren. For years we have all gotten together at my house to share our thankfulness, watch the Lions, and stuff ourselves full of food. In the past few years, however, we've seemed to have less people come for thanksgiving. Most of my cousins are older than me, so many have moved away and have their own jobs and lives. I have a few aunts/uncles who live out of state and everyone else just has their own business to deal with. So, for whatever reason, we only had fifteen people at my house yesterday. And, trust me, fifteen is nothing, especially when my immediate family is five people alone. It seems as though everyone was just otherwise engaged this Thanksgiving.
Thanksgiving came and went. Aunt PC asked if my brother, sister, and I had seen Santa come in the parade just like every year. Aunt SB and her two kids were late, as expected. The Lions lost - no surprise there. The younger girls all hid themselves away in the basement and sang and danced as usual. My cousin PA and I talked and he gave me advice, as he always does. But however "normal" this Thanksgiving was, there were so many things different. My house was so empty. The table wasn't long enough, there weren't enough voices. When we went around the table to say what we were thankful for, the boys just talked about wanting to watch the game; nobody gave the long speeches that we're all used to hearing about friends, love, and family. Nobody called Ireland to talk to our relatives. The apple pie didn't have my Nana's message carved into the top. The whole atmosphere was different.
And, just because it was a holiday, my depression welled up inside of me and threatened to take over once again. I mingled as best I could. I stayed with the relatives before dinner, helping out in every way I could. I talked with my cousin PA who I'm comfortable with, I carried things out to the dinner table, I got people drinks. Everything normal, nothing out of the ordinary. Dinner came, and suddenly I needed air. Too many people, too many voices, too many people wanting to talk to me. Trying to stay close to my mom, trying to stay with people but eventually failing when the conversations around me turned to things that didn't concern me. I'd leave, rally in the silence of a different room, then come back. Sit with my family, smile and nod, and eventually just feel too much turmoil inside of myself to continue. After a time I just removed myself from the situation. Watched football for a few minutes in the room where nobody talked and everyone glued their eyes to the television, washed all the dishes and loaded them into the dishwasher, wandered, wandered, never staying anywhere too long, unloaded the dishwasher, and at last found refuge on the computer. The family slowly trickled out earlier that they should have, leaving me alone for the evening.
Today my mom talked to me about it. She noticed that I hung around until PA left and then started to distance myself. She wishes that I'd stayed around the family more. I know that I've disappointed her. I know that, lately, she's viewed me as not trying as hard as I should in anything, and I know that this Thanksgiving was no exception. I should have tried harder to mingle, I should have tried harder to socialize. I should have stayed around the family more.
I should try harder in school, at home. I should be a better daughter, a better student, a better friend. I know that I've disappointed those around me. I just don't know how to make myself better. This depression makes everything so hard. I want to be better. I do. But how do I fix everything inside of me when I feel so hopelessly broken?

too much to do + cross country

Today the class started presenting their projects. I thought about going today, but I decided that I wanted a day to process everything about this project for myself before I tried to describe my experience to my classmates. Let's just say that I decided that the point of this project has been made. I wanted to get myself to turn to writing to help solve my problems. Today my mom handed me a thank you card to write out for my coach. I sat for a few minutes and, realizing that I had no idea of what to say, immediately ran over to the computer and pulled up my blog. It's now a habit for me to write when I need to untangle my thoughts. That's what I wanted in the first place, and that's the habit I've formed. But now I've got to stop thinking about Daffodil and start thinking about tomorrow. Tomorrow is my cross country banquet. I have to write a thank you letter to my coach and write out a speech to give to my girls. And write it out on notecards, because one of the girls wanted me to write it out on notecards, and if that's what will make her and the rest of the team smile then that's what I'll do. Heck, I'll even practice it in my room. But first the daunting task is to write it. But before I get lost in that I have to do the coach's thank you card. And I have to write my Daffodil project response and turn it in online. And I have calculus bookwork. And I have to have Siddhartha read by Friday. And that's not even the half of it. Sigh. See why my brain is frazzled? Anyway. Coach. Here we go.


Dear B -
Every year us girls This has been such a great year. The girls don't Every year of cross country has its trials. As a team, there is no way that we could get through these troubles without you. I know that you may not feel our appreciation throughout the season, but we finally have this chance to show you how much you mean to us. This year may not have been the easiest, but it was the year that you showed us your strength the most. You're an amazing coach, B. We owe so much to you. You're a great role model in our lives and we are so glad that we have you to lead us. You teach us so much - not only about running, but about life. Thank you for everything that you've done for us.
Love, [insert girl's names here]


Okay. There we go. Once I get started, it works. Sometimes it's just getting those first words out in a way that feels good that troubles me.


Okay, now I have to write my speech. I know that technically I don't have to write anything out beforehand (nobody in any of my years of cc or track has pre-written anything), however I wouldn't feel right if I didn't. After all, I have so much to say to my team and I don't want to forget any of it.
But I have so much to do. So I don't really have time to think about this right now. Agh. And did you know that there are only nine days until Thanksgiving? And that my family is hosting? And that I have to help get the house clean, too? Goodness gracious my mind truly is everywhere.
Focus. Cross country. Banquet. What to say to the team. Uhm. Here we go with the starting thing again. I'm not as good at this part...
Okay. I just did my Daffodil project response. Now I think that I can maybe write a little bit. Maybe. Uhm. Uhmm. Uhmmm.
Maybe I'll just outline some points I want to make.

•  

That was a great first point. *facepalm*

• I have a lot of things to say to you. I'm not going to be able to say them all tonight because if I did, we'd be here all night. And all day tomorrow. And all day the day after that. I'd probably never shut up. So yeah, I can't say everything here. Know that I forever have more to say to you.
• Mom says to tell you that I love you and I'll do anything for you except lie, cheat, or steal. Anything. Except maybe prostitution. Yeah, I can't see myself doing that for you guys either.
• Don't drink and drive. Don't do drugs. Don't get pregnant until you're married (RH...).

Ahh, I'm not getting anywhere. Time to look up cheesy team oriented quotes? I think so...

I am a member of a team, and I rely on the team, I defer to it and sacrifice for it, because the team, not the individual, is the ultimate champion. - Mia Hamm

Well that was the only good one I found on that one site I was on. There are too many "team" quotes that are about particular teams and such. Irritating.

 I can't make that writing black. Ugh that's annoying.

• B is an amazing coach. He really knows what he's talking about. Listen to him. I'm serious.
• You all have done so much for me throughout the years. I really appreciate everything you guys have done. You've helped me through the toughest parts of my life. You guys give me infinite strength and joy.
• I will always be here for you guys. Remember that I'm always a text, a facebook message, and email, a phone call away. If you ever need help or advice or just need someone to talk to, I'm here. I'll laugh with you, I'll cry with you. I will always be here for you guys.

And once again my brain is fried. How is it that I have so much to say but no words to explain my feelings? Am I just dumb? Am I incapable? There are so many words and feelings in my heads, so many things that I need to say to these girls. Things that I need to get out to them. Why can't I find the words? Ugh. I'm done for now.

Technology

I should write a post. I'm not exactly in the mood to write a post, but I'm going to do it anyway. Please ignore any sarcastic comments that I may or may not make.

Today I spent the day going to a bunch of stores with my mom and sister. We went to a couple dollar stores, Michael's, a baking store, party city... Starbucks... maybe somewhere else? I don't even remember. We were picking things up for the team banquet this Wednesday [freak out moment: OH MY GOSH THE BANQUET IS WEDNESDAY AND I STILL HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I'M GOING TO SAY! ACK! Okay, I'm better now]. Even though it wasn't really how I wanted to spend the day, I had a really nice time with my family. At Michael's we (as usual) picked the slowest line. It's crazy how, no matter how the line looks when we get into it, it's always the slowest line. Hmm. While we were standing in line, one of the workers told us that if we looked up a Michael's coupon on our phones, we could use the coupon in the store. The lady behind us started looking on her phone - which she didn't know how to use very well - and was searching everywhere for the coupon. I pulled out my phone and found it fairly quickly, and then showed her how to use her phone to get to the coupon, too. She was so grateful that someone "very smart with computers and technology" was there to help her out. It got me thinking that this is one of the reasons people should stay close with their older loved ones. Besides the obvious reasons like "they're family" and "we love them" people should look at how they do with technology. In my experience, myself and my parents are always helping both sets of my grandparents with technology. My Nana and Gramps have a facebook account and they are constantly calling and trying to figure out how to send wall posts, messages, and chats to people. My Grandma and Papa have been recently trying to set up a Skype so they can keep contact with my uncle who left for Germany today, and they've been talking to my dad about all the things that they need to fill in and click. Even my mom has trouble with technology. She's getting better at it, but she still occasionally needs help on the computer or on her phone. In the past years we have progressed so much in the world of technology. We start to rely on it heavily, but we forget that those we love and care for don't know how to use it as well as we do. We depend on something that they have so much trouble with. People need to work harder to stay close to those older than them. The technology is blocking these relationships. We need to look at those around us and see how they are affected by the technology we depend on.

Appreciation

Mmm, cheese. The glory of cheese. On my fourth cheese stick in the last half hour. Just saying. But I'll probably stop now because dinner is coming.

My mom is currently on the phone with my uncle's long time girlfriend. I don't like his girlfriend. Her name is.... Gen (I made up that name.. haha). I don't really like Gen, to be frank. She is sick in a million ways and she smokes way too much and she always wants to lay in bed and do nothing. She's very irritating. She's never really been mean spirited, but she never takes care of herself or my uncle. Literally, she's been in and out of the hospital every day for weeks at a time. She's dying and she won't help herself by quitting smoking or doing anything good for herself. My uncle and her are terrible for each other and I wish they would break up so I wouldn't have to deal with her anymore. She and my mom are on the phone, and Gen is complaining to my mom about my grandma (my uncle and dad's mom). Gen is absolutely and unnecessarily slamming my grandmother. It's frustrating me. She has nothing to complain about. There's a lot going on because my uncle apparently has to go out of the country because he finally found a job. My grandma is very worried about him because he doesn't like travelling and she's just doing her best to be the momma she is and give the best advice she can. Gen is complaining about all the ways my grandma is trying to help. It makes me mad. My grandma does her best to take care of my uncle and Gen and she's always giving advice and helping in my uncle's job search and just generally taking care of them and everything else. Gen has no right to be so ungrateful to my grandma after all she has done for them.
Look at how many people don't appreciate the people around them. People receive so much care and love from others and they just ignore it. Every day I try to tell the people around me that I appreciate them. I work hard to try to make those around me see that I am glad that they are in my life. I wish people did this more. Too many people feel under-appreciated. They feel worthless, not cared for. So many people don't see the point of life because they just think that they don't matter to anybody. Let people know that you care for them. Let them know that they are important before they go too far to be saved.

I'm waiting...

I've been a terrible slacker these last few days. I wasn't intentionally putting off my blogging, but it just didn't really cross my mind. I don't exactly remember how many posts that I am supposed to have, but I'm just going to hope that I have around the right number. This project isn't about the grade for me, it's about the impact that it has on my life. It really has helped me to better see that working on something big a little at a time gets things done. I always knew that, but I had never really put it into action in my life. The project came at just the right time, too, because it honestly helped me to get going on my college applications. Overall, it honestly helps me to feel better about myself and what I accomplish in my life.

Today I had the day off from school, which was a beautiful thing. I spent so much of the day waiting. I woke up and waited to get ready to go. I waited in line at the Secretary of State, got some paperwork, and then waited in another line at SOS. I turned in all my paperwork to get my license, then waited for the guy to put all of the information into the computer. I waited for him to hand me my temporary paper license, waited to get my picture taken. I waited in the car for my phone to find a nearby Panera, waited to order at Panera, and waited to get my food. I went to my fellow captain's house to work on paper plate awards. I waited for her to finish spackleing so we could get started and then we both waited for brilliant award ideas to come to us. I came home and waited to read my book, waited for dinner, waited until I had some time to just sit down and enjoy the day. I'm waiting for some secret package that my dad ordered for me. I spent the whole day waiting to be able to drive somewhere by myself and I have a feeling I won't get a chance to do that today. Waiting, waiting, waiting. Funny enough, but all of that waiting can get tiresome.
Even though I spent quite a bit of time waiting today, I did make sure to accomplish things. I woke up, ate, showered. I filled out paperwork, smiled for my picture, got my licence. I ordered and ate Panera, I spackled a wall. I thought of, designed, and decorated paper plate award after endless paper plate award. I read a tiny bit. I teased my sister, I rode my bike to Kroger and bought a bag of fritos. I ate dinner, I'm writing this blog post. And although this list is a lot shorter than my waiting list, it consists of things that took a lot longer than the waiting did. I got things accomplished today, despite my waiting.
People spend a lot of time waiting. They wait in lines at stores, they wait to vote, they wait on their chores. They wait for their problems to be solved and their lives to be bettered. People spend too much time waiting. They go without acting when action is necessary. They ignore the role they have in moving things forward in their lives, the role they have in bettering themselves and the world.
Waiting is necessary to some extent. It's true that we cannot spend our lives without waiting. We shouldn't spend our lives rushing past things so that we don't have to wait. However, we wait too much. People need to look at what their waiting on - to really look - and see if there is anything they can do to move their lives forward. We are here not to be idle, but to go on.

How about them sandwiches.

I keep starting out writing a few sentences and just deleting them. Here, I'll show you some examples:

So, how about them sandwiches.

College applications have been crazy, but I'm finally getting them done.

Cross country. Again.

La da dee da.

My sister is really cute.

I don't know what to write about.

Maybe I should just post a picture and write about it. How do you untangle a picture?

That's not even all of them.

I just don't even know. I need to write about something. It's not as if there's nothing in my life that needs untangling. That's not the case. But my brain is just lost.

What do you do when your brain is lost?

My momma says that I should write about how her hugs make everything better and that her kisses fix all the boo-boos in the world.

I've been thinking about a friend of mine a lot lately. We've known each other for a while and we're very close. I don't know what I'd do without him.

His mom died when he was little. And the saddest thing about it is that nobody at the school really knows. He doesn't hide it or anything, but the topic doesn't come up that often, I guess. People wonder why they never see his mom at events or anything, but they just assume it's busy. Sometimes people that we're both friends with will come up to me and ask me why they've never seen his mom. It's hard to look at them and watch their questioning eyes turn dull as I tell them that his mom died. "Oh." That's the response I always get. "Oh," with that crestfallen face. I can't imagine what it's like for him. He has a wonderful dad, but it can't be easy living life without a mom. I know how many questions about it I get; I have no idea how he deals with the ones he gets. But, honestly, he doesn't get that many. Because nobody at the school knows. Does anybody even care? Isn't it sad to know that the people we spend all of our days with at school can be the people we know the least about? Shouldn't we be more involved in each other's lives?

Sandwiches. Yum.

HAPPY INTERNATIONAL SANDWICH DAY!

Just sayin'.

Mounds Bars.

You know what I like? Mounds bars. I'd never even had a mounds bar until two days ago on Halloween night. But it was goo-ood. That makes me happy.

You know what I don't like? Commitment problems. Those don't make me happy. There's a couple of people that I know who have had some major commitment problems this year. It's frustrating. There are these two girls that I've known since my freshman year. We've always been close friends. They've never been the most reliable people, but it's never been so bad that you had to pay attention to it. This year, though, it's just been a mess. We make plans to hang out and they drop them last minute. They pretty much quit on their sports team - stop going to practices and give the coach "the hand" as he tries to talk with them - just quit caring in general. Their other friends just can't spend any time with them. Apparently, they don't have a moment to spare. They've made plenty of excuses: homework, college applications, too tired... the works. But honestly, it doesn't make what they do any better. Not for all of their friends. I heard about how their respective sports teams crumbled when they stopped showing up and caring. I've seen and felt how it is when they drop out on plans last minute. It hurts, seeing their relationships falling apart. And why? "I don't even care about that game... if I don't get my college apps done I can't go to the college and say, 'sorry I didn't get my app done... but we won the game!'" And the other, "Oh, sorry, I'm doing homework. I have an essay to write." Haven't you had that essay for two weeks? "Yeah, but I haven't started it yet and it's due tomorrow." Okay, I see. So you tell me that you can do something, then I head up somewhere to meet you, call you when you're late, and hear you tell me "oh, I decided not to go." Of course you did. Of course.
Personally, I don't understand how you can do that to someone. I'm on a sports team. I have hard classes. I have college applications to do. But I'm not the one backing out of my team. I'm not the one leaving my friends empty handed. None of my other friends are doing that either. It's just them. And I can't understand it. I love my cross country team so much. Just the thought of being someone high level on the team and then just quitting makes me feel guilty. I could never let myself hurt all of the girls on the team by leaving them like that. The same goes for my friends. When I make plans with my friends, I don't break them unless I absolutely have to. It hurts when you look forward to something and then just can't do it, and I know that. I would never want to hurt my friends in that way. But these couple of girls just don't seem to be bothered by what they're doing. They don't think they're doing anything wrong. And that might be what hurts most of all.
I was hoping that by writing this out I would be able to untangle why they might be doing what they're doing. However, I'm not seeing anything. What I'm seeing is more reasons for me to be disappointed in what these girls have turned themselves into. I hope that one day they see that what they are doing to those around them is hurtful and wrong. Until then, I just need to do my best to let it go.

Team Time

Today has been quite the day. I started off by singing at mass for the Archbishop. Which is a pretty big deal. Because the Archbishop doesn't exactly come around and pay frequent visits to parishes or anything. My whole choir did a really great job, I'm glad for that. I came home and just wrote and wrote and wrote. Mostly essays for school, nothing good (otherwise I would have posted it here). And after I wrote and wrote and wrote I got to carve my pumpkin! I carved a pikachu. Yep. Be jealous. And, yes, I just added "pikachu" to my dictionary. Because that word is as legit as they come.
But, we all know that I'm not here to ramble on about my day. If I was just going to ramble, the point of this project would not be hitting me very well. But it is. So it's time for some untangling.


I said that I was going to untangle some more cross country stuff but I never actually did that. I tried a couple of times, but it just wasn't happening. We had our last meet yesterday, however, so I guess it's about time that I get around to it. Honestly, the thing about cross country that I need to untangle the most right now is what I am going to say to each and every one of those girls at the banquet. Over the years I've tried to teach them, to help them grow, to show them where I stand in the world, to let them know I'll always be theirs. But now I have one last speech. One last time to give them everything I have in as few words as possible. One night to show them how much they mean to me. So I guess I'm going to use my writing time today to start listing off all the things I've wanted to say to them. Here we go.


Oh jeeze I don't even know where to start. Goodness gracious. I knew this would be hard (that's why I'm starting so early) but my, oh my.


"Hey girls. I've probably already cried at some point tonight, and if I haven't yet then you can feel free to expect some tears now. Because look at us. Seriously, look around at all the faces. Look at the family you are apart of. And honestly, you don't really think about it, but you don't get as much time with the family as you'd like to. As a freshman you sit in those chairs thinking of all the years ahead of you. And you know you're going to make it through them, but deep inside you really don't have any idea of what it's all going to be like. And then you're a sophomore which is just kind of an awkward age in general where you've finally got some of the ropes down (and other ones not so down). And suddenly you're a junior and you're an upperclassman and things are finally starting to fall together but then it all changes. You're a senior, and the year that you thought would be the best turns out to be a year of looking back, of remembering all the times behind you and preparing for all the times ahead of you and hardly being able to sit down and look at right now. And I know that everyone tells you that your high school years go by fast and I know that you'll roll your eyes when you hear it again, but you'll never realize exactly how fast it goes until you're in my shoes... my tall high heeled shoes (sorry, Babs). And another thing that you'll never realize is just how much all y'all mean to me. Because, honestly, you guys have gotten me through some pretty rough times. You may not have realized it, but sometimes you were the only thing that helped me crawl out of bed in the morning. You are honestly one of the reasons that I am still living today, and I thank you for that. You guys mean the world to me. And there are a million things I want to tell you and I've already talked forever and you're probably already wishing I'd just sit back down, but that's okay. You guys can listen to me ramble for a bit longer. After all, you've always been there to listen to me. To help me smile when I feel sad, to direct me when I'm lost, to lift me up when I've fallen down. And now I'm sitting here trying to impart all my wisdom on you guys and I don't even know where to start. Uhmm. Don't drink and drive. Really girls, that's dangerous. I can't have any of you doing that. Don't do drugs. "Don't have sex, because you will get pregnant and die! Don't have sex in the missionary position, don't have sex standing up, just don't do it, OK, promise?" Alright, sorry, Mean Girls quote moment. That's a good movie. Anyway. Now I'm just rambling even more.
Goodness gracious I'm a mess."


Alright, that's all I've got for tonight, I just can't get myself past that wall that gets me into spilling everything that needs to be said. But breaking some ground was all I needed for now.


ps. I promised my friend that I'd mention her in this post about three seconds ago. I have this friend ML who is one of the most beautiful, wonderful people in the world and I am so glad that she is in my life. That's all.

Uhm.

Today is the end of my existence as I know it. Seriously. Today was my last high school cross country practice. Ever. Cross country has run my life (get it?! RUN?! Anyway..) since I was in seventh grade. The funny thing is that I don't even know why I started cross country. Who likes running? Especially before they start. I certainly didn't think much of it before my seventh grade year. Honestly, I had tried out for the school play my sixth grade year and I hadn't made it. My seventh grade year I decided not to try again (by then I had discovered the magic of musicals). I guess that I just wanted something to do that fall while all of my theatre friends talked about rehearsals and such. So I started cross country. I literally have no memory of considering it, no memory of those early practices. I guess that it must have been a good time. At any rate, I did it, and although I don't know the reasons I started, I do know the reasons that I haven't stopped (I could write a whole post about this alone, but I won't). Running is one of the most beautiful things life has to offer. Who likes running? I do. I love running. I adore running. And my high school cross country team has changed my life for the better. And now it's over, and I'm not quite sure what will happen to my life now. I'm going to miss seeing the girls every day, I'm going to miss my crazy coach, I'm going to miss the exhilaration that running gives me. And just because the season is over doesn't me I won't see the girls or the coach; it doesn't mean I won't run. But it certainly will never be the same. And what am I going to do about it? I'm going to let myself feel. I'm going to open myself up and let my vulnerability out for those girls who have changed who I am, for those girls who have supported me every step of the way. I'm going to show them what they've done for me and do my best to show them that I'd always do the same for them. Some people close themselves off during the goodbyes, but that's not what the world is about. If you don't feel at the end, then what's the point of feeling throughout? I'm going to let myself hurt and cry for what has changed, and I'm going to let myself shine for the life I have ahead. And this post doesn't really make any logical sense and I don't even care. Maybe now isn't the time to speak coherently. Maybe I'll try again tomorrow. When I can write this better. Yeah, I'll do that. Goodnight.

To: Jordan

I'm sorry that I haven't replied to your comment yet. These last few days have been crazy, but I've been thinking about what you said a lot. Honestly, I cried when I first read your post. And every time that I've read it since, I've teared up. I can't imagine what it would feel like to be in your position. I really don't. But, if I try hard enough, I can almost imagine it. It must be scary, knowing that you can't do anything to help someone that you love so much. It would be hard knowing that you haven't been a part of her life. I very much hope that you'll be able to get in contact with her. I don't know what the chances of that are, but I hope you do. I want you to know that I really, really appreciate you opening up to me like that. It means a lot to me that you're willing to share. Just know that I'll be thinking about you and your sister and praying for you both. I'm really glad that we have class together. And, by the way, I've been loving your posts. Thanks again. Hugs.

People

I've been so busy with everything going on. These last few days have been quite full. I've really wanted to write, but I just haven't had the time. Which is why I'm trying to write something, anything, in this time I have after my French test.

Sometimes the best friends we have are the ones we don't realize are there for us. I have a friend who I've always loved joking around and having fun with. But today he took the time to let me know that he was there to listen if I ever needed someone to talk to. This isn't the first time it's happened to me. I've had a decent amount of people try to reach out to me as they've noticed the depression (even if they don't know what they're noticing). It always means a lot to me. The thing is, it makes me question how much people know about those who they are around. There are people who you interact with every single day who care about you, even if you don't really feel as though you're friends. People feel alone, but they are surrounded by people who care about them, regardless of the status of their relationships. I've worked hard the last few years to try to help those around me see that I care about them, even if we may not be close. I don't want anyone to feel alone in this world, because it is a terrible thing to feel. So the next time you are hurting, look at the people around you and think about how they probably care about you, even if it may not seem like they "should."

MLP - 9 years

I am a computer. La da dee da.


My sister wanted me to write that down. She said, "do you think your teacher will accept that?!" I told her I'd write it and see. So, Mr. Russel, do you accept it?


She's very proud of herself because she gave me something to write about. And no matter how much she was joking when she said it, she really did give me a topic. As she laughs her little laugh and kisses my forehead before skipping upstairs, that amazing little child gives me a topic. Her. Look at her. Lemme find a picture... (shuffles through online files)... or three...

That's her playing dress up with some girls from my cross country team at the team sleepover.

This one's just a cute one of her dressed up.

And here's one of her surrounded by my winning cross country leagues team.

Do you see her? Happy and beautiful? My whole cross country team adores her. All of my friends ask about her. She is enraptured by my friends. She soaks up every bit of attention she gets from them, and - trust me - she gets a lot of attention. She looks up to every single girl on my cross country team, and looks up to every friend I have. She always cares about how my friends are doing and how they are, and on top of that she cares for me. She's such a sweet sister. (The untangling part is coming... don't worry). At nine years old, she's a bright flower with the world new around her.

But I sit and think. Every single girl on that team cares about her. Every single girl on that team would spend their time with her. They would help her if she needed it. They love her to pieces. But will she remember that when she's older? When she sincerely feels the need to have people around her? Will she know that she was loved so much, and by so many? Because I know that I don't remember that. The depression blocked out my happy childhood memories. When she gets to be my age - when she gets old enough to really need support - will she know that she had so many people behind her from her start? And what about me? What will she think of me? We have eight years separating us. Eight years dividing our lives. Right now, that's no big deal. We're as close as two sisters can be. But what about when I leave? She "graduates" from lower elementary school the same year that I graduate from high school. I'm going to be gone to college for so many crucial years of her life. What will happen to us then? How can I still be her sister when we are so far away? How can I help her? How can I give her advice and hold her in my arms when she get's hurt if she's miles and miles away? I know she'll always love me, but what will our relationship be like when she starts seeing me less and less? Will she remember all the love and support that I have given her thus far - will she know that I will always be there to give her love and support?

It's a particular knot that will be untangled as we grow. I know that we'll find a way to always be together. After all, we will always be (as she has affectionately nicknamed us) best bunches sisters.

Venting

What is it about venting that takes everything crawling beneath our skin and releases it out, letting it fly away?

Silent Protest

On Tuesday I participated in the Pro-Life Day of Silent Solidarity. All day I received nothing but positive feedback on my choice to stay silent for those who would never have a voice. High fives in the halls, comments about how people were proud of the choice that I was making. All positive. Until the very end of the day, where I came into class and I was told by a boy that "you people" were "stealing" the silent protest idea from the gays. I started to formulate a response and, being unable to say it out loud, grabbed my notebook to write it down. However, by the time that I started writing, I realized that he'd already walked away. I wasn't angry or anything about what he said. As a matter of fact, he's a kid that I respect quite a lot. He has a lot of good points to make about the world. Even if we don't agree on everything, I think he's a great person. I decided that I'd write a post about silent protests so that I could get my points out about silent protests and why they don't just belong to homosexuals.


Various forms of protest have been used to get people's points across for centuries. People work to find effective ways to change the world around them. Silent protests have been one of the ways that people have found as useful in displaying their ideas and beliefs in a nonviolent way. My friend seems to be misinformed when he says that the silent protest idea was stolen from homosexual people. Silent protests were used long before the gays started their Day of Silence in protest of the bullying and mistreatment of gay/lesbians/transgenders. As a matter of fact, the silent protest has been used for at least one hundred years. In example, it was used by the NAACP in 1917 to protest about black massacres and lynchings (http://www2.si.umich.edu/CHICO/Harlem/text/silentprotest.html). More recently, silent protests have been used by colleges against the Communications Decency Act (http://scripting.com/twentyFour/silentProtest.html). Another use of silent protest by colleges was to show discontent with the government's plans to "introduce higher tuition fees, cut state funding of higher education by tens of millions of pounds, and promote the 'marketisation' of universities." Silent protests have been used by different groups for different causes for quite a long time. One group using the silent protest technique does not give the the "sole rights" to use a silent protest. As a girlfriend of mine pointed out, "silent protests are just like the silent treatment! We've been using silent protest since we were little. Nobody has the 'rights' to it."
I would like to thank my friend for bringing up the gay silent protest. I like having the chance to stand up for my beliefs and share them with those around me. I guess I'd just like to point out that before you put somebody down for doing something, do your research to make sure what you're saying is right.

Too much on my mind to care.

I need to post something. as it says in my about me, I have so many things to say while also not having anything to say. I know that this doesn't quite go with my Daffodil topic, but I'm just going to write some things down because it's just one of those days.
Ran the cross country league meet today. It was beyond cold and insanely windy, but to be honest it was a really great meet. Which was nice, because my day was just not going well. HGXC won the league, which was pretty exciting.
I really, really need to get moving on my college stuff. REALLY, REALLY need to GET MOVING.
my iPod doesn't autocorrect when I'm typing in caps. Hmm.
Cast list goes up tomorrow. I'm excited and nervous in a hundred different ways and I honestly just want to see it and get into the musical. I love musicals. So much.
Today my philo teacher pretty much told the class that most of my class hasn't been taking this project seriously enough. The class is too focused on duedates and grades while not thinking about this project the way it was intended to be used. From what user, I think I'm one of the ones who's doing it right. O know that I'm not posting as much as I need to be, but I'm not doing this project for grades. In doing it because untangling my brain makes me a better person. Because it helps me learn about myself and the world around me. Because I am reaching for excellence. I hope that it still looks like I'm doing that.
I like music, guys. I really do.
I think I use twitter as a way to help people (and myself) more than any other things that people use twitter for. I go on twitter to help people who ate getting down on themselves. I've created a nice group of people who all support each other. Which is awesome. But I don't want to talk about twitter.
This is turning into another wrote put, except it's much less profound than the last one ended up being. Sorry, all. I hope you didn't waste too much time reading this.
I'll do a better post next time, everyone. Right now I'm just tired from the day and the meet and I need to get some sleep. Goodnight!

Write Out

Today I'm going to be doing a write out. A write out is pretty much just me getting all of the mumbo jumbo in my head out somewhere so it's not all trapped and tangled up in my brain. A write out is a method of untangling in and of itself and I've found it tremendously useful when I have a lot of things going on/stressing me. My apologies in advance for the fact that this post will not be nearly as lyric or eye-opening as many of my others. It's probably going to be disorganized and such. Don't read it if that's going to bug you. Just sayin'.

<Note. If you'd care to get an inkling of how this all feels to me right now, read in a rushed, panicky voice, stumbling over the words like you're unsure of who you are and where you're going. That'll get you there.>

Where to start? Ah, that's not hard. Being sick beyond belief is never fun. I don't get all that sick usually. If I'm "sick," it's something that I muster through, not taking any time off or breaks to compensate. It's never that bad. But this week I've just been ridiculously slam-bang sick. I missed three days of school and parts of one other, sitting on the couch in the fetal position holding my stomach. I just felt like I was gonna throw up all the time. So dizzy. Bad headache. But mostly just a terrible feeling in my stomach. It was quite incapacitating. And you'd think, "oh, all that time at home, Trisha had plenty of time to write out untangling blog posts! Why aren't there any up?" Let me tell you why. Because I was ridiculously sick. So sick that thinking honestly made me feel worse. One of the days I did some homework for about ten minutes and I ended up laying on the couch again, in twice the pain as before. My brain was just too muddied for anything, including untangling. Sigh. And so now I have to make up all my school work. I got lucky, because none of my teachers got too far ahead while I was gone, although I did miss a calculus test, a french subjunctive quiz, and a few philosophy vocab quizzes. All of which I should be making up on Monday. And speaking of Monday, I have musical auditions. I am beyond nervous. Which is silly. I'm more nervous than I've ever been trying out for a musical. And why? Because when I was a little sixth grader, not long after I'd been in my first musical ever, somebody opened my eyes to the fact that I was actually a fairly talented actress. Everyone at the school was talking about the day where I would get the lead, saying it was soon. Unlike them, I told myself one thing: hey, I don't have to worry about getting a lead now, or next year, or even the year after that - none of that matters. The only thing that matters, I said, is that I get the lead my senior year. Afterall, by the time I'm a senior, I should have built up enough experience and talent to be the lead of a show. This thought calmed me and took so much pressure of off me every year until this one. But this is it, my senior year, and now I'm facing the audition that will determine whether or not my dream of seven years will come true. Will I be the female lead in the musical? This is the audition I've been planning for since I was eleven. Now I'm so scared that I'll let myself down. And honestly, two weeks into the musical I won't care what part I have. All that will matter is that I have a part and that I'll be loving my last high school musical. But for this week, I'm going to be tortured by leads and supporting roles 'til kingdom come. This audition has to go right. I have to memorize all the music, figure out what kind of blocking to use with the music, learn a page of lines, and just be generally perfect on Monday. And then again on Thursday for callbacks. The stress of it all is killing me. "You only get one shot; do not miss your chance to blow. This opportunity comes once in a lifetime." This is going to sound crazy, but this is one of the parts of the musical that I really love. Because even though I stress through every moment of it, freaking out in every new breath, it's one of the times where I feel the most alive. In these moments, I'm real. But not only am I real, but I am also real as an embodiment of someone else. It's beautiful. Theatre is amazing. But for now I'll just stress and freak out about auditions and callbacks that strive to ultimate perfection, yearning for the lead under the spotlight. On top of the stress from musical, I have college looming ahead. I have to pick which colleges I want to apply to and get teacher letters of recommendation and write essays and fill out applications and do a million other college related things all while considering everything you have to consider while considering colleges such as ACT scores and GPA's and distance from home and therapists and good programs and options in extracurriculars and clubs and a bajillion other things. And yes, I know bajillion is not a word. Get off my back. I think my cross country coach is feeling distastefully toward me at the moment because I've missed so much practice and I'm going to be missing more, maybe even a meet. We're both worrying about who to appoint as captains next year because our candidates are few and sketchy. I'm trying to enjoy my last cross country season while preparing myself for everything ahead. Bajillion. Bajillion, bajillion, bajillion. Swear. I took my senior pictures today and my mom wrote this adorable blog post about me growing up which made me cry. I tend to get panicky and cry a lot when I'm under pressure. And I shake more. Shaky, shaky Trisha. I've been having trouble sleeping cuz stress messes with my sleep medication. I'm trying to be a good friend to everyone, a good daughter to my parents and a good sibiling to my brother and sister. There's so much going on and all the time is passing too quickly for me to hold onto. There is no slowing down in this world of progression.

I have too much to do and I can't sit at this computer any longer, so I must go. Thanks for reading.

ps. I like italics.

Surrounded by People

Last night I had my whole girl's cross country team over for a team sleepover. We spent the whole evening just enjoying being together in every way. We really enjoy our time together as we are a very close team. We stayed up late and then woke up this morning and ate breakfast. Slowly everyone was leaving the house, and it just felt really good. Somehow, being with friends is so rejuvenating. It takes all the unhappy problems and whisks them away for a while. When with friends, one can just let loose and enjoy being surrounded by people who love them. That's how it is with my team. We spent that evening together and my whole world became brighter. All of a sudden I was not alone; I was loved and cared for. I was apart of something bigger than myself that also made me important. We were a group all raised on pedestals. "And in that moment, we were infinite." For that time together, we empowered each other in ways nothing but a close group of friends could. I sat on my own after everyone left and just felt wonderful about the world. I was loved. I was cared for. I was important in ways I'd never thought I was. I spent the day cocooning in these glad thoughts and happy feelings, allowing myself to soak them up for the future.

Now let's turn the topic. When we are feeling really bad, we so often turn away from those we love. We desire to hide in our beds under the warm blankets - warm and apparently safe from the hurt of the world. All alone, we wallow in depressive thoughts and drop ourselves further into the dumps. This alone-ness doesn't help.

If, when we were hurting inside, we turned to our friends: got together with them and allowed them to fill us up, we wouldn't keep the sadness inside. We've all seen the effect that a good time with friends can have on us. Being with them can turn a bad day on it's head. So why do we yearn to be alone in our darkest times? Why do we run from our greatest asset?

So many people seem repulsed by those who "self-harm." But what they don't realize is that self-harm comes in many forms. Everyone who tries to hide away and doesn't seek help from friends in their down times is hurting themselves. Every time you make the choice to hide in bed instead of trying to make yourself happier is hurting yourself. To be honest, everyone hurts themselves to an extent. Generally it is unintentional - but unintentional doesn't make it okay. People need to look at the choices they make and analyze whether or not these choices are positive or negative for them.

Stop hiding away from your problems. Use your assets; your friends can turn your world for the better.

Stop hurting yourself.

Pressure

Students go to school seven hours a day. Those who are involved often spend another hour or two at the school, practicing sports or participating in a meeting. Then we go home, and have hours of homework. Such large chunks of our days are overruled by school. What happened to the time when kids could be kids, when students would run home and spend hours on end exploring the world with their friends? When school was for book learning and home was for a different kind of learning: the learning that didn't feel like learning. Does anyone remember those times?
One of the problems with society today is that it is too tightly wound. Everything is focused on getting great grades and being involved and being accepted into the best colleges and jobs. Kids have so much pressure put on them every single day. I, as a very involved student who gets solid grades, know how much this pressure can crush a kid. There is a point where all of the responsibility and expectations forced upon us become too much - there is a point where we crack.
The world in general puts too much pressure on kids. Yes, we are the future. Yes, how we are shaped now is important. But why doesn't society value the imagination and critical thinking that comes from free time? It's proven that kids who use their imaginations end up doing better in many categories. My generation is losing so much imagination and critical thinking. I'm worried about what is going to happen to our kids. We are being programmed into robots, forced to do more work than necessary. And, because of this, we don't get time to do other things that will help us grow in ways that school stifles. We turn to entertainment such as video games and social networking sites that don't allow us to work our brains. We listlessly sit in front of the television screen, lulled by the flashing colors. Why? Because we don't have time for anything else. We don't have time to go out with our friends or explore the world around us. We don't have time to get involved in our communities, we have no time for fun and games. By the time we get home and finish with our homework, we only have time to plop in front of a computer or a tv before we head into bed.
Now I'm not saying that this is every teenager. I know teenagers who have plenty of time to go out and be with friends or find new things to do. But that doesn't mean that they do it. Kids look around them and see thousands of other brain dead kids with no time to have fun, and think that they are supposed to end up like that. Nobody can break the memes forced on teenagers by society. There aren't enough teens who see themselves as strong enough to break the world, and even if there were enough, we wouldn't have the time to do it. I don't know what we can do about it - Rome wasn't built in a day; there's no way we could change teenage life in a short period of time. But I wish that people could see that their lives are being ruined by their lack of activity; I wish that they would try to do something about it.

What defines you?

I thought about writing this post a while ago, and at the time I remember having a lot of things to say about it, Now I'm trying to get them all to flow back. Hmmm... think, Trisha, think...

In Taylor Swift's Innocent she says. "Who you are is not where you've been... Who you are is not what you did." This brings the question: what truly defines who you are?

Is who we are where we've been? I don't think so. People are born into bad lives and forced into bad situations. These struggles don't define who they are. Kids can be born into a family that has no money or resources, into a neighborhood where crime is high and gangs are powerful. Does this have to define that child? No. In some cases, it does. Children grow up surrounded by the pain and violence and become filled with pain and violence themselves. But other children grow up dreaming to overcome their environment - these children end up fighting the pain and violence to become overall better and stronger people. If you've been in a bad situation, that also does not define who you are. There are some things that life throws at us that we just can't change and these things cannot define something as personal as your being.

Is who we are what we did? This question presents a little more of a challenge. When asked, "does what we do define us?" people generally answer yes. They believe that the choices made in life define a person, whether for good or for bad. But what about what we did? Does that define us? To some extent, it has to. If our past choices don't define us, then we have nothing there to be looked at. Something must define us, after all. If we are not defined in some way, then we do not exist. But how much does it define us? People do make mistakes. We cannot hinge our beliefs of a person on one wrong choice. However, we do make our choices for a reason. These reasons show what we truly are and therefore define us. But, honestly, I don't think that what we did defines us nearly as much as what we are in the process of doing. I'd much rather put stock in the present than the past, as this is the clearest sense of where a person is at any particular moment.

Who we are is not where we've been or what we did, but rather what we are doing.

Innocent

I really adore the song Innocent by Taylor Swift. Some songs just speak to you, and this is one that speaks to me. I'm going to post the lyrics here, then I'll write a post about some specific lyrics I'd like to discuss.

"Innocent"

I guess you really did it this time

Left yourself in your warpath

Lost your balance on a tightrope

Lost your mind tryin' to get it back

Wasn't it easier in your lunchbox days?

Always a bigger bed to crawl into

Wasn't it beautiful when you believed in everything

And everybody believed in you?

It's alright, just wait and see

Your string of lights is still bright to me

Oh, who you are is not where you've been.

You're still an innocent

You're still an innocent.

Did some things you can't speak of

But at night you live it all again

You wouldn't be shattered on the floor now

If only you would seen what you know now then

Wasn't it easier in your firefly-catchin' days?

When everything out of reach, someone bigger brought down to you

Wasn't it beautiful runnin' wild 'til you fell asleep

Before the monsters caught up to you?

It's alright, just wait and see

Your string of lights is still bright to me

Oh, who you are is not where you've been

You're still an innocent

It's okay, life is a tough crowd

32, and still growin' up now

Who you are is not what you did.

You're still an innocent.

Time turns flames to embers

You'll have new Septembers

Every one of us has messed up too

Lives change like the weather

I hope you remember

Today is never too late to be brand new

It's alright, just wait and see

Your string of lights is still bright to me

Oh, who you are is not where you've been

You're still an innocent.

It's okay, life is a tough crowd

32, and still growin' up now

Who you are is not what you did

You're still an innocent.

You're still an innocent.

Lost your balance on a tightrope.

It's never too late to get it back. 

Homecoming Dance

Sorry everyone, it's been a while. With homecoming week going on, life has been pretty crazy.

Went to the homecoming dance last night. Believe it or not, this is the first dance that I ever went  to with a group. I seem to be quite the loner. Somehow I got invited to go with a group this time, and I was really on the fence about whether or not to go. I am really close with half the kids in the group, and I don't really like the other half. It's nothing against them - our personalities just don't quite mesh very well at all. Do I suck it up and go with the group to be with my friends or do I go myself to avoid the people I don't like? Obviously, I chose to go with the group. Did I make the right choice? Well, this one girl pretty much ruined the mood the whole night. She was complaining and angry at everyone and just acting ridiculous. But honestly, everything else went well overall. I got annoyed by the people I didn't like, but I was able to justify and overlook my frustration with the happiness that came from spending an evening with close friends. "I danced the night away." I laughed and was able to just be myself (and was told more than once that I looked slightly better than decent.. (:  ). The night was worth it, even though I spent much of it with people I don't get along with.
So riddle me this: why do we deal with the people we hate? I guess it's because we love some people so much, that we're willing to do anything to be around them. We know that these people we love can cheer us even in our darkest moments, and we count on them to help us laugh at the insanity flying around us. And that, my readers, is what friends are for.

Common App

Today the only writing I had time to do today was writing my Common App essay. I figured I'd post it so I can get some feedback (any comments and suggestions are greatly appreciated). It does it's own bit of knot untying, so I'm hoping that it still fits in with my project. Thanks for reading.

Carpet. Stained, crumb-filled, repulsive school carpet. And I had my face on it. Curled into the fetal position – except sideways – cheek rubbing against the rough material. I’ve found myself in this position many times. Warm tears staining my face, my mind rejects everything good. I feel worthless, hopeless. Nothing, nobody can save me. I spend increasing amounts of time shut up in the administrator’s offices – always crying and lying on the floor, always breaking down. Unable to breathe, to think – scared that I’ll never feel this “happiness.” Noticing how each day becomes darker as I am swallowed into this void: depression.

They say that one can’t understand something until they experience it themselves. I’ve found this true with depression. Nobody can realize everything it entails until they are forced into the anguish of it all. Nothing could have prepared me for the constant bombardment of self-hate, the inability to sleep or eat or learn, the overwhelming physical and emotional pains. Every day was a new fight: a new battle in the war for my life. But through all of this hurt there was a light. I couldn’t see where it was coming from, but I reached for it with all my remaining strength. Boy, did I reach. I climbed, doing my best to force every step in the right direction. Therapy, medication, positive thinking – I did everything I could to pull myself out.

Nowadays, I’m nowhere near where as low as I used to be. I’m generally a much happier person with a more positive outlook. It’s hard to believe that someone can gain so many positive things from such a negative experience, but I have. I’ve learned how strong I am. I see now that I can do even the impossible. I’ve found a support system of beautiful people who pick me up when I crash to the ground. I’ve learned more about what is important to me by looking at what pulled me through on the scariest days. I am much better than many of my peers at looking at the good side of things. I’m not saying I’m perfect – in fact, I’m far from it. My depression is still here, it hasn’t disappeared. It still haunts me in ways nothing other than depression could. But now I know that I am a fighter, and that I can battle against any pain in my life. Believe it or not, even laying on disgusting school carpet can teach life lessons.

World Connections

The internet allows people all around the world to connect with each other. As a frequent user of the internet, I connect with people around the world daily. The first day I set this blog up, somebody from Germany viewed it. I have a twitter account, and talk to people from England and Brazil and other countries every day. Facebook allows me to interact with my family in Ireland and my friends in Germany and Japan. The world is more connected now than it ever has been in the past.
Sometimes things like that just hit me all of a sudden. They make me look at the world and how technologically advanced we are. They make me wonder whether our advancement is a good thing. The argument can go either way. Things were both simpler and harder in the past (what a general statement - I know). People cared so much more about hospitality and neighborliness, but didn't have the medical skills needed to save lives. They had many more personal, physical interactions but important information couldn't travel as quickly as it needed to. Nowadays, we rely so much on our technology. We constantly have our eyes on screens and our heads elsewhere. Technology seems to be moving faster than people's intelligence. We have the resources to do so many things, but people as a whole don't have the brainpower to apply what we have to the world. Technology would be so much better if people used it a little more sparingly. How many times are you talking to someone, just to have them start texting someone else? Technological interactions can make things so impersonal, causing people to feel neglected and unloved. However, they can be so useful at the same time. Connecting with people around the world is a wonderful feeling. It's great to know that people in England, Cambodia, and Switzerland feel the same as you.
So is technology good or bad? It's both. It's neither. Just like everything, it has it's perks and in cons. Every person needs to look at how they use their technology and analyze how they can make their lives better by altering their uses. Personally, I use my technology much better than I did in the past. I go on the internet less, text less, watch television less - while still using all of it when I need it. Yes, I need to make some changes, but overall, I'm doing a good job. I certainly with this could be said about more people.

Help!

For some reason, I can't post comments on people's stuff! And I don't know why! When I post a comment, it sends me to a page that says, "Your current account does not have access to view this page." I looked up the problem, and apparently it has something to do with my browser not allowing cookies...? Anyone know how to fix this? Thanks.

The Question

To write or not to write: that is the question.

Have you ever noticed that on your busiest days, you seem to get the most work? On days where I have nothing going on after school I get such small amounts of homework. On days where I have practices and rehearsals and appointments I always get loaded. Such was the case today.

The knot I spent the whole day trying to figure out seemed simple enough: to write for my Daffodil Project or to take the day off. It's late, I have to take my sleeping medication on time, so I have to be in bed before the med kicks in. With my pracitces and appointments and piles of homework, I honestly was unsure of whether or not I'd be able to take the medication necessary for me to sleep. So I puzzled and puzzled about whether or not to write this blog post that, obviously, I am writing write now. What swayed me? I untangled the knot. Right now, I need to be writing. Need. There is nothing that will fulfill me more than a good long write out. It doesn't matter what the writing is about. When I write, I'm refreshed. I'm powerful and in control in a way that I can't be in other aspects of my life. Writing allows me to purge what needs to be purged - to let into the world that which I cannot hold inside any longer. So even though today was busy and stressful, I still managed to find some time to write. Some time to get my thoughts out somewhere tangible and real. Even though I'm falling asleep as I write this because my medicaion is kicking in, I realized what was important in my life. And that is writing. I'll need to keep this in mind whenever I'm going through stressful times. It can be hard to convince myself to write when I need it most. But now that I have really solidified the importance writing has on my life, I can move ahead knowing more about myself.

First Attempt

We're about to dive into this project, even though it's late and I'm tired and I don't know what I'm going to say.
And yes, I did mean to say "we." Because if you're here, reading this, then you had better believe that you are right by my side experiencing this with me. Ready for the ride? I hope so.

Knots

Twisting and turning in

on themselves.

Tangled and tied in

strange ways.

Knots have a way

of frustrating,

a way of complicating themselves

until we throw in

the towel.

Give up.

Grab a pair of scissors,

cut the knot

in half.

Problem solved.

But is it really solved

if you cheat

your way out of it?

Ignore the truth?

The knot is meant

to be

unravelled.

Patiently.

Carefully.

Almost lovingly,

if you care to look

at it in that way.

Our questions don't

answer themselves.

We leave so many

questions

unanswered.

Floating around inside

our heads,

knocking our brains.

Answer me.

We so often leave things lost

as they wave and shout

in the distance.

Find me.

The knot remains tangled.

Lost forever until

you see the courage

inside.

Because you have

the power.

The power

to unravel the knot.

Nimble fingers

fumble,

posing friction against

the knot until

it gives.

Your fingers.

My fingers.

Our fingers.

Unravelling the knots

of our endless

questions.

Confusions.

Frustrations.

Until the knot loosens,

comes apart,

ceases to exist.

The string

in our hands is

strait now.

No disruptions.

Question answered.

Problem truly solved.

So take your tangles and

work until the knots

cease to be

knots at

all.

FYI

I'm about to be stumbling through this blog blind. I'm prepared to go through this experience without a flashlight. I don't know what I'll be writing about, I don't know what's going to come out. All I know is that I'll be here, unravelling knots as much as I can. Bear with me. We can stumble together.

Writing out the Knots

9:35 on a Wednesday night, sitting in front of the computer screen, contemplating the Daffodil Project. My personal Daffodil Project will consist of me untangling knots through writing. Quite the abstract concept, but also very much grounded in reality. I don't know exactly what this entails, but it seems as though it gives me enough closed space to be structured while still giving myself the open space to be free. I'll start this out by picking out a concept that I want to help myself figure out. It can be anything. Heck, it could be nothing. I'm going to spend time writing out on that concept. The hope is that by the time I'm finished writing, I've discovered something about either the concept, myself, the world, etc. I don't really know what's going to come out here in this blog, but it's open for you to read and comment. Feel free to tell me your opinions on my topics and such. We'll see where this project leads me.

Blogging...

is not for the faint of heart.