<Note. If you'd care to get an inkling of how this all feels to me right now, read in a rushed, panicky voice, stumbling over the words like you're unsure of who you are and where you're going. That'll get you there.>
Where to start? Ah, that's not hard. Being sick beyond belief is never fun. I don't get all that sick usually. If I'm "sick," it's something that I muster through, not taking any time off or breaks to compensate. It's never that bad. But this week I've just been ridiculously slam-bang sick. I missed three days of school and parts of one other, sitting on the couch in the fetal position holding my stomach. I just felt like I was gonna throw up all the time. So dizzy. Bad headache. But mostly just a terrible feeling in my stomach. It was quite incapacitating. And you'd think, "oh, all that time at home, Trisha had plenty of time to write out untangling blog posts! Why aren't there any up?" Let me tell you why. Because I was ridiculously sick. So sick that thinking honestly made me feel worse. One of the days I did some homework for about ten minutes and I ended up laying on the couch again, in twice the pain as before. My brain was just too muddied for anything, including untangling. Sigh. And so now I have to make up all my school work. I got lucky, because none of my teachers got too far ahead while I was gone, although I did miss a calculus test, a french subjunctive quiz, and a few philosophy vocab quizzes. All of which I should be making up on Monday. And speaking of Monday, I have musical auditions. I am beyond nervous. Which is silly. I'm more nervous than I've ever been trying out for a musical. And why? Because when I was a little sixth grader, not long after I'd been in my first musical ever, somebody opened my eyes to the fact that I was actually a fairly talented actress. Everyone at the school was talking about the day where I would get the lead, saying it was soon. Unlike them, I told myself one thing: hey, I don't have to worry about getting a lead now, or next year, or even the year after that - none of that matters. The only thing that matters, I said, is that I get the lead my senior year. Afterall, by the time I'm a senior, I should have built up enough experience and talent to be the lead of a show. This thought calmed me and took so much pressure of off me every year until this one. But this is it, my senior year, and now I'm facing the audition that will determine whether or not my dream of seven years will come true. Will I be the female lead in the musical? This is the audition I've been planning for since I was eleven. Now I'm so scared that I'll let myself down. And honestly, two weeks into the musical I won't care what part I have. All that will matter is that I have a part and that I'll be loving my last high school musical. But for this week, I'm going to be tortured by leads and supporting roles 'til kingdom come. This audition has to go right. I have to memorize all the music, figure out what kind of blocking to use with the music, learn a page of lines, and just be generally perfect on Monday. And then again on Thursday for callbacks. The stress of it all is killing me. "You only get one shot; do not miss your chance to blow. This opportunity comes once in a lifetime." This is going to sound crazy, but this is one of the parts of the musical that I really love. Because even though I stress through every moment of it, freaking out in every new breath, it's one of the times where I feel the most alive. In these moments, I'm real. But not only am I real, but I am also real as an embodiment of someone else. It's beautiful. Theatre is amazing. But for now I'll just stress and freak out about auditions and callbacks that strive to ultimate perfection, yearning for the lead under the spotlight. On top of the stress from musical, I have college looming ahead. I have to pick which colleges I want to apply to and get teacher letters of recommendation and write essays and fill out applications and do a million other college related things all while considering everything you have to consider while considering colleges such as ACT scores and GPA's and distance from home and therapists and good programs and options in extracurriculars and clubs and a bajillion other things. And yes, I know bajillion is not a word. Get off my back. I think my cross country coach is feeling distastefully toward me at the moment because I've missed so much practice and I'm going to be missing more, maybe even a meet. We're both worrying about who to appoint as captains next year because our candidates are few and sketchy. I'm trying to enjoy my last cross country season while preparing myself for everything ahead. Bajillion. Bajillion, bajillion, bajillion. Swear. I took my senior pictures today and my mom wrote this adorable blog post about me growing up which made me cry. I tend to get panicky and cry a lot when I'm under pressure. And I shake more. Shaky, shaky Trisha. I've been having trouble sleeping cuz stress messes with my sleep medication. I'm trying to be a good friend to everyone, a good daughter to my parents and a good sibiling to my brother and sister. There's so much going on and all the time is passing too quickly for me to hold onto. There is no slowing down in this world of progression.
I have too much to do and I can't sit at this computer any longer, so I must go. Thanks for reading.
ps. I like italics.
I, too, have been having that "bajillion things going on" feeling a lot lately. The only cure for it for me is to get one of them done. And then another one. And then another one. Even after doing that, though, I will have that jolt-me-awake feeling of "Crap, I forgot that!"
ReplyDeleteThe journey of a thousand miles begins with the first step - Wisdom for the ages. What was true when it was first said is true now, though it may be more important now. We tend to be overwhelmed in this "Information Age." What is just as important in this Age as keeping up with the information is learning how to shut some or most of it out. Otherwise, the result is FRAZZLED.
Another piece of age-old wisdom is the phrase, "This too shall pass." Right now in class we are studying Buddhist philosophy, and one of the main concepts is clinging. Clinging, according to the Second Noble Truth, is the main cause for suffering. For instance, you seem to be clinging to the notion of being the lead, as if that might be the one way you will be happy with the musical. However, I imagine that whether or not you get the part, other events or ideas might stress you out as well. For instance, if you get the lead, then you will worry about being excellent at the part, not screwing it up. The point being that if you cling to a belief and think it is the only way you can be happy, it can be a main source of misery.
If, on the other hand, you think, "This is not do or die. I will put in my best effort at securing the role, focusing only on being excellent. Then, once the choice is made for the lead, I will focus on a new goal, no matter what the result was."
If you think about it, past and future are only mental projections. All we have is the present to work with, so why cling to the shame and guilt of the past or the worry and doubt of the future? Live excellently now, and take only one step at a time.
And certainly do not feel guilty about the fact that your body is fighting off an illness.
I hope you do not mind the unsolicited feedback.
You made a lot of really great points. Thank you. But I do feel the need to defend myself on one section of what you said. You said that I seemed "to be clinging to the notion of being a lead." Although I do see where you got that, I do not feel as though I am clinging to it. It's something I want, but not something I'm desperately grasping. I did say, "And honestly, two weeks into the musical I won't care what part I have. All that will matter is that I have a part and that I'll be loving my last high school musical."
ReplyDeleteTrisha, you have a WONDERFUL talent for hitting "bulls-eyes" in terms of topics. I'm at work, so this might be my shortest comment ever ;) but I just want to say Good Luck with all these "bajillion" things, especially your callbacks tomorrow :) Remember they don't all have to be handled at once, even though we tend to *think* of everything at once & get frazzled as a result. {One thing at a time.} Lastly, I once read about something called the "John Wayne" technique that might help: when you get frazzled, "pull back on the reins" and say "whoa" as if you're stopping a runaway horse, but stop your ~thoughts~ instead, take a break for a little while, just breathe, and then mentally pick one *single* item to focus on & deal with. Sometimes it works for me. Anyway, you have so many wonderful things to look forward to, and so many fantastic options you can choose. Just make a point of remembering to BE HAPPY! along the way, too. The destination is not the only thing that matters ;)
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